Diagnosis

So now I know what the problem is.

Performance anxiety. Impotence, of the writerly kind.

This has nothing do with anxiety about a nebulous future--will I find an agent? Will the agent find a publisher? Will the book sell enough copies to warrant another contract? And so on.

All legitimate, potentially fraught issues, but for another day.

My anxiety is much more immediate. It centers around the very act of writing, as if putting words on the screen were some sort of virtuoso performance I must not only endure, but triumph over. Continually best myself. But like a performer with an advanced case of stage fright, I freeze. Again and again.

Until the only way to deal with the situation is to avoid it. Elaborately and tirelessly scheme to avoid it. Any distraction, any excuse will do. "Today I will write," I say to myself, "Yes, I will. Looking forward to it. Can't wait. But not right now. In ten more minutes. This afternoon. Tonight."

But that deadline is always receding. And a day begun with the paving stones of fervent good intentions winds fruitlessly downward into writer's hell--the place where words are so bright and tempting, and so painfully out of reach. Put out of reach through my own efforts. It's so ironic, so infuriating, so...nonsensical. The thing I want most is the thing I deny myself.

The result? Impotence. The inability to perform. To write.

Well (you say), obviously you can write just fine here.

Yes, that's how it works, doesn't it? The anxious musician performs exquisitely in private, but fumbles on stage. The impotent man can rise to the occasion anywhere except where it matters.

So how did this happen?

I don't know. It just did. I do know I'm not the only writer who has dealt with this. It happened to a well-known and highly talented romance author, who ended up quitting writing altogether, for years, until she was finally able to face the page again, on her own terms and at her own pace. She's back now, and better than ever. Wiser, too, I imagine.

I'll be back, too. As soon as I figure out exactly how to beat this. Just knowing what's been going on has been a source of great relief.

And anyway, the game's not over till I win.